Choices and Regrets
by Manavie
Summary: After their father's death, Sam struggles with the choices he made. Haunted by nightmares, and weakened by illness, he has to face what happened. Written for Trasan, to her prompt at Summer of Sam love, fic exchange
1. Chapter 1

_A/n: This story is written for lovely Trasan for her prompt at Summer of Sam love – fic exchange 2009_

_**Her prompt was : When John tells Sam, "If you'd killed that damn thing when you had the chance, none of this would have happened."**_

_**"It was possessing you, Dad. It would have killed you, too."**_

_**"Yeah, and your brother would be awake right now."**_

_**This was one of those defining moments for Sam, so his thoughts after Dean recovers and John is dead, while he is struggling to also help Dean cope with the loss of their father.**_

_Special thanks to Muffy and Abni for beta reading and bearing up with my whining and encouraging me throughout this. You guys are awesome :-)_

_I hope you like the story : - ) _

Chapter 1

_If I tell you  
Will you listen?  
Will you stay?  
Will you be here forever?  
Never go away?_

_~Within Temptation- Bittersweet~_

Sam stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the first blow on the Impala. He was halfway back to Bobby's house when the sound of metal striking the glass hit him. Sam wondered whether he should turn back and talk to Dean or just leave his brother to let go of his anger and hurt. It was not exactly the method Sam would have chosen, but he was glad that Dean was using _some_ method to let go of his feelings.

Sam closed his eyes and hugged himself as he felt his heart shattering with each of Dean's strikes. The Impala was their home, Dean's baby and pretty much the only solid thing they had in their life, and the knowledge that Dean was beating it up made Sam shiver.

Once the silence greeted him, Sam opened his eyes wearily. He hesitated for a moment, debating inside his head whether to go back or not. Sam thought that maybe he'd better check on his big brother, and made his way back to Dean. He stopped at a place where he could get a good glance at Dean without really reaching him. Sam wasn't sure whether his approach would be welcomed so he kept his distance.

Dean was sitting down on the ground with his back turned towards Sam, head bowed and shoulders slumped. Sam longed to go to his brother and reach out to him, to help Dean with his grief…. to reconnect with his brother.

Unfortunately Sam didn't know how to reach Dean this time. They were both grieving and hurting… and it seemed that somewhere along the line they had lost both their ground and their connection.

Sam bit his lower lip until he drew blood. The idea of going there and talking to Dean was tempting, but Sam chose not to. Heaving a long sigh Sam walked back to the house, trying to walk as quietly as possible, not giving his brother a chance to find out that he had been spying on him.

Sam slumped on the couch tiredly, a dull throbbing behind his temple. His ribs were healing slowly and he still got headaches sometimes. Thankfully not full-blown migraine type… but he had mild headaches here and there. Sam looked down at his hands.

His palms were blistered with red scars. He had applied burn gel one the blisters in the morning. Sam hoped that they wouldn't get infected as that was the last thing he wanted. Half of his work has been cut off because he couldn't use his hands much. The only thing he had done during the time spent at Bobby's was researching and reading - things he didn't miss out on because of the hands.

Sam scrubbed his eyes gently. He wasn't getting much of sleep on top everything. Most of the time he slept restlessly and managed only a few hours. His sleep was mostly disturbed by nightmares and therefore Sam opted not to sleep. Mostly they were dreams of dad being possessed, the accident and the events at the hospital. He'd just laid on the couch and decided to doze off for a while when Bobby came into the hall carrying some books.

"Hey… where's your brother?" Bobby asked as he placed the books on the table.

"Beating up the Impala," Sam said in a small voice, hitching at the word Impala.

"What?" Bobby asked, eye brows raised.

Sam heaved a sigh. "I think I pissed him off!" he said guiltily trying to avoid Bobby's eyes.

"How were you able to pissed Dean enough to beat up his car? You are not planning to go back to college, are you?" Bobby asked with a trace of uncertainty in his voice.

Sam's eyes widened. "God, no!" he breathed shakily. "I'm not planning to leave Bobby!"

"Then what did you say to make your brother lose himself like that?"

Sam bit his nails. "Just told him that I'm sorry I picked a fight with dad, and that what he said about dad and me is true."

"What did he say?" Bobby asked, his eyes narrowing.

"That what I'm doing now is too little, that it's too late to do what dad would have wanted… and I told him that I'm not all right and neither is he."

Bobby huffed, muttering under his breath. Sam cringed inwardly, thinking it was directed at him.

"Are you all right son?"

"Huh?" Sam blinked at Bobby who rolled his eyes.

" You are lying on the couch… any special reason?"

"No… no… I'm doing fine" Sam said, immediately sitting up.

"Rest up for awhile." Bobby grunted. "I'm going to talk to that brother of yours."

Sam sighed and sank back to the warmth of the couch. Burying his face on the throw pillow he closed his eyes hoping for a dreamless nap.

…………………………………………...

Dean mind had shut downed. He sat down; head bowed and shoulders slumped, fighting not to let the tears fall down. He felt angry… with Dad for the grief, the burden of guilt and what he had told him just before he died. How could he ask such a thing from him… Dean shuddered, hugging himself. Most of all, he felt angry with himself. The way he had been acting, the way he had been cutting Sam off.

Dean huffed angrily as he heard the footsteps. His little brother… Dean even felt pissed at him because the kid just did't know when to quit. By experience Dean knew that Sam wouldn't let go of it until he had given Sam a satisfactory answer to all his questions… but really he just felt too tired for that.

"I think I made myself clear that I don't want to talk, Sam."

"Maybe, boy, that's what you should be doing!" Bobby's gruff voice greeted him from behind. Dean was a little taken aback at Bobby's appearance.

"What are doing here, Bobby? Did Sam send you to talk with me…? If he did… its useless, cause it's not going to work."

He was rewarded with a whack on his head and truthfully Dean didn't expect any less.

"Just for the record, Sam didn't send me. I came here to see why your brother is moping on my couch. You should talk to the kid, stop ignoring him and walking around in a damn shell."

"I don't want to talk to him," Dean said stubbornly.

"Well... I'll be damned… When did you stop giving a damn about the kid?"

"Since now!" Dean gritted his teeth. Sam had really rubbed off on Bobby, they were both becoming annoying.

"That car's gonna need new parts and I ain't got them lying around."

"I'll buy them!" Dean answered carelessly, willing Bobby to go.

"You know, son, when I towed that car back here, I told Sam it was useless and that we should sell it for scrap. But Sam wouldn't let me… he said that when you got better, you'd want to fix it. And that even if there was only one part working, that would be enough. He didn't give up on the car… or on you."

"Why are you telling me this?" Dean asked with a slight hitch in his voice,

"Because you shouldn't give up on him… you idjit… not now or who knows, it might soon be too little too late." Dean flinched at the chosen words. He wondered whether Sam had told Bobby or the older hunter just used it randomly. However it really hit home… hard. Bobby patted him on the shoulder and walked away.

Dean felt disconnected suddenly… more tired than usual. There were a huge gap between him and Sam from the day back at the cabin that they didn't talk about. Maybe he should talk with Sam… but the idea of talking about dad weighed him down. He was still not ready for it, and he had no idea when he'd really be ready.

...............................................................

_Never thought  
This day would come so soon  
We had no time to say goodbye  
How can the world just carry on?  
I feel so lost when you are not at my sight  
But there's nothing but silence now  
Around the one I loved  
Is this our farewell?  
~Within Temptation- our farewell~_


	2. Chapter 2

_Well We Thought We Were Gaining  
We Turned Back The Time  
It Still Slips Away_

_~Within Temptation- Forsaken~_

Chapter 2

Bobby huffed angrily as he tried to call Dean for the fourth time. The kid had turned off the phone, most probably knowing that Bobby was going to call him. It was almost close to 11:00 p.m. and Bobby's patience was on edge.

It was highly uncharacteristic for Dean to leave his sick brother alone. _'Well beating up the Impala was not exactly something Dean would have done!' _ His mind reminded him and the older hunter heaved a long sigh.

The Impala had been a sore subject since the accident. It'd been nine days since Dean had finally lost his pent up anger and beat up the Impala. Things had been somewhat tense between him and Dean, until Sam had gotten sick with flu.

Bobby had been worried about the youngest Winchester's health. Sam hadn't escaped the accident without injuries. Bobby knew that he had signed AMA from the hospital and when he tried to voice concern about it, Sam brushed him off saying that he was all right and they had to concentrate on Dean. And then John's death and Dean's withdrawal from Sam had pretty much messed up the kid.

Sam had gone to work in Sherry's diner even before his hands were healed from the burns he sustained, saying that Dean needed more help with money. Bobby was not happy about the decision, but Sam held onto his plan. Dean was already working on the old Mustang of Mrs. Weatherly's which he gave to Dean to work on so he'd be able to but new parts for the trunk. Four day ago, Sam was down with flu and only then did those two idjits start having a real conversation other than yes, no, or fine. Sam getting sick had finally hit a nerve on Dean and he had returned back to his role of being a big brother.

Dean had gone to town, saying he needed a break. He went there around 6:00 p.m and Bobby thought that it was time the kid moved his ass back to the house. Bobby had a gut feeling that Dean would be at Miller's place since that's the only bar around the town. If Dean's plan was to go hustle that would be the place he'd go. What worried Bobby was the fact that Dean could be drunk. Which was the reason he had been calling repeatedly, trying to contact the elder Winchester and to tell him stay put until Bobby to come to pick him up.

Bobby sighed and made a decision on going to check over at Miller's place. He made his way to the guest room to wake up Sam and tell him the situation. He was halfway to Sam's room when he heard Sam screaming for Dean. Worried about the younger Winchester, Bobby hurried to Sam's room.

………………………………………………………..……………………………………

_Sam was pressed to the wall with such unnatural force that he kept on struggling to break through. Panic and terror built inside him, seeing Dean dying… from the hands of their father. Possessed father…. But still it's still their father and seeing it was as if someone plunged a knife into his heart. _

"_Stop it," Dad suddenly said and that was it, both of them were released from the invisible grasp. Sam grabbed the Colt from the table and aimed it at dad. The demon was back… sneering at him._

"_Kill me, you kill Daddy."_

_Sam stood his ground. "I know." He was going to shoot dad in the leg and then he didn't have to die…if he could just remember the complete exorcism ritual… There was a chance for performing the ritual on the demon as he still had the powers, but Sam had to try something. He had a family to safe._

_Suddenly Dad gasped. "Sammy!" Breaking through Sam's thoughts._

"_It's still inside me. I can feel it! Just shoot me. You shoot me. You shoot me in the heart, son!"_

'Something was off!' _Alarm bells ran inside his head… this was not suppose to happen… he shot his dad on the leg right? This is soon… too soon…._

_In his panicked haze, Sam heard his dad's chuckle. _

"_Of course, you never follow a simple order," his dad taunted with a sneer._

"_You had this one chance of avenging your mom and Jess and you blew it!" _

_His father raised a hand and Sam was slammed back into the wall. His head hit with a crack and pain shot through his head. _

"_But you couldn't really follow that orders now, could you, Sammy…. Well this time it gonna cost you dearly." _

_Sam watched in horror as Dean was lifted from the floor and pinned back to the wall. There was blood still spilling from his mouth. Dad threw his head back and laughed as he continued to torture Dean._

"_Dean!!!" _

"Dean!!!" Sam screamed as he woke up, sweating and shaking. The sheets were tangled around his body and Sam kicked them wildly trying to get free. He tried to control his breathing and panic building in him.

'_Something is not right…Dean's in trouble'_

Sam held his head in his hand willing the pounding to stop... Something was wrong, something was really wrong with Dean… He almost jumped out of his skin when he felt someone touch him on the shoulder. Sam's panicked eyes met Bobby's concerned ones.

"Sam?" Bobby asked worriedly.

"Dean… Where is Dean?" Sam asked panic building inside him.

"Sam calm down… Dean went outside."

"Outside?"

"Yeah said he's going to get some fresh air, but it's late. I was going to go to look for him."

"I… Bobby he's in danger… I .. I.. have a feeling. We gotta hurry up." Sam clambered out of the bed quickly. If not for Bobby he would have been face first on the floor.

"Oh no, kid… you are staying at here," Bobby said sternly.

"I can't…. Please, you have to understand, he's in some sort of danger… I can feel it. Please don't make me stay here," Sam said desperately, trying to reach for his hoodie. Bobby shook his head remorsefully and Sam understood. Bobby was just trying to look out for him. But Sam needed to go. He couldn't bear staying behind, thinking what could have happened.

"Ok, get dressed and come downstairs," Bobby said, handing him the hoodie and jeans from the rack. Sam nodded at him gratefully. "Thank you," he said. Bobby grumbled under his breath and walked away from the room.

/……………………./

Half an hour later they were in Bobby's truck, heading into the town. Sam periodically called Dean's phone but received his brother's voice mail. Sam was almost tempted to throw the phone away, but he held the frustrating urge, reminding himself it was the only way to reach Dean faster.

Sam's phone started ringing just as they were entering the town. Sam checked the caller ID and it was from Dean. "Bobby… it's Dean" he said relived that finally they were able to get hold of Dean.

"Where the hell are you, man?" Sam demanded even before Dean could answer him.

There was a hesitation in the other end before a female voice came through the phone. "Hello, is this Sam speaking?"

"Yeah it's Sam who are you? What are you doing with my brother's phone?" Sam demanded and Bobby looked over at him, anxiety written all over the older hunter's face.

"I'm calling from St. Mary's hospital. We have a young man called Dean Butler here who was brought in beaten up and with a concussion. He kept on asking for a Sam so we found your phone number. "

Sam mind was overload with the information. Dean was beaten up? By who? Concussed? How bad was it? It would be quite a serious one or Dean would not be at a hospital. Sam felt his phone grabbed away from his numb fingers.

Sam heard Bobby talking but he couldn't clearly place what he was saying. He felt the truck stopping and he felt Bobby's hands on his shoulders.

"He's all right Sam… just a concussion. They plan to keep him for overnight observation… he's fine. He'll be out no time" Bobby said soothingly. Sam blinked back the tears.

"Please not again" he whispered hoarsely. Bobby cupped his face.

"No Sam… I promise not this time!"

………………………………………………

_Too many flames, with too much to burn  
and life's only made of paper  
Oh, how I need to be free of this pain  
but it goes over, and over, and over, and over again_

_~black sabbath- Over and over~_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_"If you'd killed that damn thing when you had the chance, none of this would have happened."_

_"It was possessing you, Dad. It would have killed you, too."_

_"Yeah, and your brother would be awake right now."_

Sam gasped as he woke up from his restless sleep. He looked at Dean who was still sleeping peacefully on the hospital bed. Bobby was asleep on the other chair next to them, in an uncomfortable position.

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose—his head was throbbing again. Sam knew if he didn't look out for himself he's going to end up sick again. Not that he felt better now, he was still pretty weak from the flu and was holding up purely on an adrenaline rush.

Sam had debated with himself countless time whether he should have killed the demon… It was really not an option, the demon was possessing dad and he would have killed his father along the way. '_But in the end he died…' _a small voice inside his head reminded him. "No!" Sam whispered vehemently, shaking his head. The demon didn't come before everything. Not before his family no matter how his father had accused him. No matter what, he would never shot dad… he couldn't do that. Even the circumstances changed, if he had to shoot dad and save Dean from being in a coma, near death; he knew that Dean would never forgive him. He would be able to cope up with dad's death somehow… He'll survive, may be not hundred percent all right. But he'd survive which is how things are pretty much going right now. But Sam wasn't sure how much he could survive without Dean…or with Dean's hatred.

Sam replayed the scene again in his mind. Whatever scenarios he had thought would have happened, shooting dad would not have saved Dean, as the demon had already ripped Dean up pretty badly. It was not like killing demon would have made any difference. '_Dad was just finding place to put the blame on … and you as usual got the blunt of it' _the voice inside told him. "He was just angry," Sam whispered, trying to convince the voice inside his head. The voice huffed back at him, '_Isn't he always?'_

Sam chose not to comment back. Dad and he were always butting heads. Both too stubborn to think over other's case and Sam always demanded on things. He needed to know, he needed the knowledge so he could process things by himself. But now that dad was gone, Sam regretted most of their fights. Their last moment was heated with a fight and Sam regretted it.

'_Do you really?' _The persistent voice was back again. Sam glared. "Of course I do," he huffed loudly. '_No you don't…. You know that in a way dad saved Dean… Dean woke up and few minutes later dad died…. That's just not coincidence… you know that Dad did something while he was away so that Dean would be healed. You know that kind of miracles don't just happen'_

"Shut up," Sam hissed angrily willing with all his heart for the voice to go away. He didn't want to hear it again. Sam was startled when Bobby's hand rested on his shoulders and called out to him.

"Sam, are you all right?"

Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm fine, Bobby."

Bobby's hands automatically went to his forehead, checking for fever. A gesture too familiar these days to him.

"I think your fever has risen. Sam, you should head back home and rest."

"I want to be here when Dean wakes up…. Please, Bobby… I need to be here. I can't stay there wondering what's going on here," Sam said, pulling puppy-dog eyes on Bobby.

The older hunter tried not to give in but Sam knew that it was a matter of minutes. "All right… Do you have your medications with you?"

"Yeah!" Sam gave a small grin, fishing out the pills from his breast pocket. "See!" He waved them in front of Bobby, who glared at him.

"I'm taking them, promise. I need some fresh air and a _coffee,_" he said to Bobby. Sam stood up wearily and held on to the wall until he felt safe enough to be on his own two feet. He felt Bobby's eyes on him, measuring every step he took and for his part Sam really tried to keep him steady.

Sam dragged his tired body across the hallway to the canteen. He grabbed one of the coffees and frowned at the muddy-looking content. He took a careful sip and winced at the bitter taste. Sam placed the cover on and walked back to Dean's room.

Sam froze on the corridor suddenly as a wave of déjà vu hit him. Dad's coffee. The last thing that dad had asked him and he wasn't even able to give that to him. It never occurred to him before, not even when he was sipping the warm rich coffee back at Bobby's place. But now it hit him hard. In yet another hospital corridor, carrying a coffee cup. Sam fought back a sob. It was just a cup of coffee and Sam was not able to return it to his dad on time. _Not even a simple request…. _Sam felt the coffee cup slipping under his shaking fingers.

The next few moments seemed to be a blur to Sam. He felt hands grabbing hold of him as his knees buckled. Someone was talking to him, and it felt like it was coming from really far away. He felt himself being led away with strong hands around him… "Dean," Sam whispered at the general direction of the soothing voice, not really recognizing who it was. The voice kept on taking and someone else was prodding him…Sam thought that he saw Bobby at one time but he wasn't sure. He felt a prick on his hand and a sense of peace washed over him… He blinked as he was gently laid down. His movements felt sluggish and Sam started to feel dizzy. Once more Bobby's face greeted him, concern evident in older hunter's face.

"Go to sleep, Sam," the voice drifted out and Sam's eyes fluttered close, taking him into a dreamless drug-induced sleep.

/--------------------------------------------------------------------------/

Sam heard couple of voices as he slowly came to consciousness. He still didn't clearly understand who the voices belonged to. He opened his eyes, blinking sluggishly at the white ceiling above him. Sam frowned since Bobby's house didn't have white ceilings.

"He was unresponsive. The doctors had to sedate him" He heard a hiss from his left. _'Bobby!' _ Sam was finally able to recognize Bobby. He rolled his head to left. Bobby was standing few feet away from him with his back turned at Sam. He was surprised to see Dean sitting on a hospital bed behind Bobby. Sam tried to remember through the fuzzy maze of his head what had happened.

"Dean?!" Sam rasped out and tried to sit up quickly as the final bit of information processed on his head. Sam groaned and dropped back to the bed tiredly.

Bobby was immediately on his side, a hand pressed lightly on his chest.

"Hey, good to see you awake," Bobby said smiling tiredly at him. "How are you, son?"

Sam frowned. "Feel funny," he whispered, licking his dry lips. "Can I have something to drink?"

As soon as Bobby turned to get the water, Sam looked over at Dean who was pretty much examining him.

"Hey!" Sam said, smiling softly. "How are you?"

Dean frowned at him. "I should be asking you that, princess. You've been out for a couple of hours worrying both me and Bobby."

Sam rolled his eyes. "You're the one with a concussion." He gratefully accepted the water offered to him. Sam took a careful sip and sighed contentedly as the cold water soothed his throat.

"Hard head, remember?" Dean gave him a lopsided grin from the bed.

Sam snorted. "Yeah, yeah."

"How are you doing Sam?" Bobby asked, stifling a yawn. The older hunter looked tired and worn out.

" Feel kinda fuzzy… like being drugged," Sam said, rubbing his eyes.

"Well why don't you get some more rest. Don't want you to be sick again!" Bobby said softly.

"Bobby, go home and get some rest or maybe you'll end up here as well," Dean told Bobby, eyeing him. Sam knew that look well. It meant business and that they are going to have a serious discussion.

Sam swallowed thickly. This would give him an opportunity to talk with Dean alone. "Yeah, you should. We'll be fine by ourselves for awhile"

Bobby looked at Dean and then back at him as if he was trying to figure out what was going on. Finally giving in Bobby rubbed his face. "Sure, you boys call me if something happens." They nodded at Bobby.

With a final pat on both Sam and Dean's shoulders, Bobby walked outside the door leaving Sam and Dean alone.

/……………………………………/

There was an uncomfortable silence for awhile before Sam broke it.

"How are you really feeling Dean?"

Dean frowned. "Well I'm on happy juice so I'm really not feeling anything. But you are the one I'm worried about."

"I'm fine"

"Bobby told me you went blank on him… Sammy, what happened?"

Sam flinched slightly at the word 'Sammy' since it's being awhile. Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He looked at his hands unable to look straightly at Dean.

" It was too much…. The hospital… dad's dying… and now you hurt again. You are closing off Dean… I'm worried about you. I'm not sure how much I can take….." Sam voice trailed out and from the corner of his eyes, Sam saw Dean nodding but really not saying anything. His eyes fixed on somewhere far away.

"Dad asked for a coffee… I wasn't able to do a simple thing like that to him either. And the last time he was alive I picked up a fight with him…. I regret that… I_ really_ do" Sam emphasis on it as he wanted to convince the small voice back in his head that he really regretted it.

"Sometimes I wonder… whether dad really knew I loved him…. After all he asked me to kill him" Sam said softly… looking at Dean for reassurance.

Dean flinched at that and there were emotions in Dean's face that Sam really wasn't able to place. But it was there for around a minute and Dean immediately shut down, pulling up the barriers.

"Dean?" he asked worriedly. His brother had closed off look in his face and Sam definitely knew that he said the wrong thing. Sam mentally kicked himself for telling it but now there's no going back.

"You know what… dad's a real ass. You don't ask that kind of shit from your children…" Dean said with a hiss and he reached for the controller to move the bed down. He turned his back on Sam.

Sam tried to bit back the tears. Once Dean was closed off it wasn't really that easy to open him up.

"Get some rest, Sammy" Dean said in a soft… in a soothing voice that surprised Sam.

Sam bit his lower lip and turned his face to the pillow. Tears poured out even before he could really stop them.

.......................

_The Sacrifice  
Was Much To Hide  
Our Grief Just Made Us All Go On  
We Try To Hide What We Fear Inside_

_~Within Temptation- Forsaken_

………………………..~End~……………………………..

_A/N: Trasan, I really hope you will like the story : -) It was a lovely plot that had so much potential on working… and thanks a lot for the patience and encouragement you gave to me *huge huge hug* If I could find more time, I'll see what I can do to fix the boys (may be a sequel?) I'm still not sure though._

_Please drop a review if you have time :-) _


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